Back to Big Big Dreams February 27, 2012

So it’s my fourth month at my new job. I’m getting better at the job, which is good. I really am grateful to have it during these tough economic times, but I also long to do things which are more fulfilling and make a bigger difference in the world. Fortunately, I’ve started to have more energy after work and on my days off, so I am trying to get going on projects again, namely the Sunflower Village Initiative. This is the most important thing to me, it continues to be what I want to do with my life. I still feel like I spin around in some of the same circles with it. Increasingly I recognize this as my own need to change and grow. I have to deepen my commitment and persistence. I need to take action much more consistently. I need to nurture relationships with people who are doing what I want to do. I want to develop humility but also make sure that I am finding opportunities to incorporate myself into the movers and shakers of this movement. Recently I’ve been encouraged by some news about how solar, wind, and other energy endeavors are making substantial progress. I guess I feel like there are a lot of people in the world doing and working on what I want to be doing and working on, but I’m not really in that realm. I’m not going to quit my job for now. Daniel really does need to go back to school and have that opportunity to get his own education. But I want to work more on my days off on making this happen. Right now the main thing I’ve decided is that I need to take some advice I’ve recieved from a lot of people over the years: go check out existing and forming intentional communities. I’m finally not limited by school work or not having a car. All that’s standing between this and me is my own laziness and lack of focus. I’m aiming to change that. Started working on a database today, prioritizing intentional communities nearby. Once I have a list, I’m going to start making plans to visit, and invite others to join me. I’m hoping for a multiplicity of effects: 1) Get ethnographic observations that will serve as examples 2) Increase my involvement in the community of W. Mass in the realms of intentional communities, sustainable agriculture and economy, and hopefully solidarity with less privileged groups/communities, 3) Increase the bond between myself and people I might potentially create a community with, and let them see other intentional communities first hand. I’m hoping that this last one in particular might lend itself to encouraging us to find out how we want to follow up on this dream, individually and collectively.

Refresher June 28, 2011

I just returned from four days in Maine with Katie G. and her mother. Being away from my house and Western Mass allowed me to unwind a bit from the pressures of job hunting and being too hard on myself about a lot of things. I had fat chunks of time for daydreaming and thinking. I wrote some SVI notes and I have more thoughts. I’m feeling inspired and ready to dive into SVI as well as my job hunt. I hope to post those notes here soon, after I get the house straightened back out. As always, thanks for reading and for your support

Dialogue, Writing, India, Gardening July 12, 2010

Chris and Marcia came over to chant this evening, and it was wonderful to hear from them about their dreams and ideas, particularly from Chris. They listened to me too. Although the phrase “make the impossible possible” didn’t come up so directly, much of the discussion was about how we actually go about doing that, about dividing huge dreams into smaller, connected goals that make the dream seem more possible, and therefore more exciting and tangible.

I’ve been doing some of this already. Through a book on How to Start a Nonprofit, I’ve been working through some important details and motivations. I’ve typed up a bunch of it, and perhaps I’ll post some of it too, with a little more editing.

I don’t know how much I’ve written about it here, but I’m working towards spending next semester studying in India. The program I’m in is called Sustainable Development and Social Change, through SIT, (The School for International Training, located in Vermont). The connection between this and the Sunflower Village Initiative is that I believe that my thinking and actions about SVI will be clarified through this program. By making a connection to Sustainable Development and Social Change in India, I will strengthen, from experience, the ability for intentional communities to positively impact interactions with impoverished countries, as well as making the village inclusive of multiple cultural experiences and non-white perspectives. So in my application for the program, I wrote a good deal about how I think that the program will do this. Something else I can add here.

My friend Mamta is gone for a few weeks, and she has offered me a great opportunity. I get to water and harvest her vegetables while she’s gone! I go the first time tomorrow. I’m going to bring home some basil, and hopefully a tomato or two will be ready! I’m sure some zucchini will be set, since they were coming ripe last week. It will be good to get out and do some garden work. I haven’t done much gardening in a long time, so this will feel wonderful, and save us some money too!

Honest July 2, 2010

I spent most of yesterday playing a videogame. Doesn’t matter which one. I took a walk with Daniel and made dinner, and other than a few phone calls, that was the extent of my productivity. Late in the evening, I felt utterly dissatisfied with myself. I have been slipping into this all summer, and enough is enough. I know I’ve said it before. But this has got to be it. For once I have the time available to me, even if other resources are short. I really need to take full advantage of the opportunity I have to work on the research and projects I think are vital. So today I am doing some reorganizing, some rethinking about how I manage myself, and I am determined to get a lot done. I’m going to check in later and tell what I’ve accomplished.

I woke up this morning thinking how my teenage self used to love nothing more than playing outside, and how I had a big problem with all the time my brothers spent inside watching t.v. Now I’m the one spending way too much time inside, with a mountain in my backyard…

A badly needed update June 15, 2010

It’s summer. so much comes with summer, for everyone I think. In my case, it means a lot of transition. This summer there have already been a lot of changes for me. There is always a strange void after classes end, and I struggle with self-discipline and focus, particularly at that time. But it really is no surprise – after all, during 3/4 of the year I spend most of my time doing what other people think I should be doing, on the time-line they think I should be doing it on. There is also a karmic aspect to this. Most of my summers, even when I had a job, were not particularly focused on particular kinds of productivity. These observations by no means that I shouldn’t ever relax or enjoy the summer, or that it’s any kind of absolute bad that I do the things required of me by school. But it is very tricky to break out of that and transition to self directed productivity. I take a lot of false starts, but eventually some of them get somewhere, and that is good. But I think if I am going to accomplish my goals, particularly the Sunflower Village Initiative, I need to learn to be more effective than that.

So I’m back to this blog and attempting to use it as a tool to keep myself moving, by reporting to myself and to whomever reads this. I hope you haven’t given up on me.

I moved recently, and discovered, among other things, piles and piles of notes and references that I have made or gathered that have plenty of potential. But first, I am working on some more organization. I decided, towards the end of the school year, that the Sunflower Village Initiative needs to become an official non-profit, and that I want this to happen by May of next year. One of the things that I started to do before I moved was to consolidate my contacts into one place so that I better reach out to interested people. What better way to begin organizing people? I anticipate that this will save me time and frustration. Once that project is complete, I will be following steps from a book about starting a non-profit. I am going to try to set myself a timeline to help my effectiveness. A few weeks ago I determined to spend at least three hours per day on the Sunflower Village Initiative. I am going to redetermine and say that it would be good if I could do one hour a day. For now, that can include updating this blog. It’s a good way to get my creative juices going, and to try to hold myself accountable.

Thank you for reading.

Answers February 25, 2010

Wow, this makes me feel like I’m getting in rhythm, especially given yesterdays’ events.

“Let’s continue to meet,
converse and establish
heart-to-heart bonds with
as many people as possible.
Our efforts to expand dialogue
is a struggle to spread trust and
friendship in society.”
- Daisaku Ikeda.

Similarly, I opened up the March-April Living Buddhism this morning and Sensei’s writing heard my soul’s cry!

Vanishing Fog October 26, 2009

It’s 2:30 am. Since I went to bed on time for once, this means that I slept about 2 hours and have been fooling around on the computer for half an hour. I’ve been struggling with existential anxiety a lot this semester. I have been chanting a lot more and I feel like my vision is clearing. I’ve said before that this blog isn’t so much about the details of my personal life. So why am I writing about this here? Because I am seeing my path clearer, I am working on multiple ends

I wrote a bit recently about the conundrum of whether to become landed first or to break dependency on employ. I am starting to think that it makes sense to work on it from both ends simultaneously, however I can. There is no reason not to go for a land trust and a village and a worker/producer co-op. These things all go hand in hand as part of the diverse economy. There is an opportunity that I have been informed about to make a leap from my current job into an existing co-op. I will be hoping and chanting for it. But I am also able to take a step back and realize that even if I do not obtain this particular transition, a cooperative work environment is not out of reach. I can apply for others in the area, and I can start one more… as long as jobs the current system continue to exist, there will be a place for worker co-ops to develop.

I am not a victim. I do not have to see myself as trapped or overwhelmed or having odds stacked against me. I only need to act and to believe and to persevere.

Taking Action October 13, 2009

As I mentioned before, Julie Graham started a Wiki for my Economic Geography class. I’ve just made a contribution to the section I’ll be studying for the rest of the semester. You can see it here: Diverse Economy activities of Intentional Communities in Massachusetts, Vermont, and New York.
Doing the research for that felt really productive. I love how absolutely relevant this class is. But it does make me wonder a bit about why I have such a hard time doing this kind of research and writing on my own. I do love it. I think maybe it has something to do with dreaming hard and feeling like there are possibilities but they’re so far away all the time. But not learning about them doesn’t bring them any closer. So I’m glad that this class is getting me moving.

I fantasize about living in space I have control over all the time. It’s something I’ll have to drop off and on as school keeps me on it’s schedule, but I’m going to start looking at architecture again. I am going to just listen to Goethe more: Whatever you can dream, begin it; for there is magic and power in it. It’s alright to have halting starts and half-finished things… they are all part of the building of dreams, of taking action. And action lets me get somewhere, let’s me see and others see that these are no mere pipe dreams or infantile wishes. A better world is possible. Some people are already making it better, and I am learning to be one of them.

Standby for Determination Boost. October 12, 2009

I am thinking a lot about myself and who I am really, in terms of being an activist, a social theorist, a radical, a scholar/student, a wage-slave, an unwilling but necessary participator in a society with plastic expectations. I find myself failing to meet expectations, not because they aren’t something that can’t happen, but because I am more scared than I realize. I loose focus and question myself and feel overwhelmed by all the factors.

Now, before you leap up to defend me, please understand I am not trying to be hard on myself. I recognize that I do that a lot, but right now I am just trying to be honest with myself about where I’m at. It’s a process I am going through and it probably has a few more phases. But being defensive by enumerating what I’m doing or how difficult it is doesn’t get me anywhere. Believe me, I know it. But if this is ever going to happen, I must continue to grow and expand on what I am doing.

Ultimately, this is a declaration: I will be stronger. That strength will be based on meaningful, significant action.

thoughts on time alone September 30, 2009

A few minutes to myself. Actually, I spent a lot of time alone today. I felt lonely, which I don’t usually. I’m fortunate to have many wonderful, deep friends that I have met across time and space. And it was good to chat online with kittysunlover this afternoon. But it’s not the same as sitting around campus visiting or working on homework together. I get some of that with Daniel, but we’re rarely both at home studying it seems. I could have gone home today, but I would have had to come back in 3 hours and I didn’t feel like spending half that time riding the bus. I guess I want a wider social circle. Sadly, I seem to be pretty pinched for time to invest in that on campus. I feel like I have a sense of being connected to people in the world, but very few of them are actually physically present in my life, and most of those that are only can be in my life here and there for a couple of hours a week. And I wonder about how much to invest really in the undergrad population here. I mean, I guess I might be on this campus another 2-3 years, but there are so many people in so much transition. I spent part of the afternoon sitting in the Stonewall LGBT center. I know this has become really rambly, and I’m not necessarily looking for answers, just taking care of myself a little by getting some of my thoughts out. Today is also the first day that I haven’t felt like I’m running around every second figuring out how to do what when and in which order. That’s not to say that I’m not busy or don’t have a lot to work on, but suddenly I’m feeling like it’s a lot more manageable. I think it’s partly not being sick at all this week and not working today, but Saturday like I’m supposed to. Also, talking with my geography prof this afternoon made me realize that I’m a lot more capable at that class than I give myself credit for. That’s something I thought about last night after almost getting hit by that car, while I was appreciating the fact that I’m alive: I don’t give myself enough credit. I do a LOT, and every 3 months or so I guess, I realize that I’m REALLY hard on myself. I am doing well, better than might be expected, taking so many obstacles into account. I’m getting stronger, learning how to do more and meet bigger demands. There’s a lot on my plate, it’s true, there’s a lot I need to decide whether I’m gonna invest in or not, there are problems that I want to turn my creativity towards… and I AM DOING IT.