A few minutes to myself. Actually, I spent a lot of time alone today. I felt lonely, which I don’t usually. I’m fortunate to have many wonderful, deep friends that I have met across time and space. And it was good to chat online with kittysunlover this afternoon. But it’s not the same as sitting around campus visiting or working on homework together. I get some of that with Daniel, but we’re rarely both at home studying it seems. I could have gone home today, but I would have had to come back in 3 hours and I didn’t feel like spending half that time riding the bus. I guess I want a wider social circle. Sadly, I seem to be pretty pinched for time to invest in that on campus. I feel like I have a sense of being connected to people in the world, but very few of them are actually physically present in my life, and most of those that are only can be in my life here and there for a couple of hours a week. And I wonder about how much to invest really in the undergrad population here. I mean, I guess I might be on this campus another 2-3 years, but there are so many people in so much transition. I spent part of the afternoon sitting in the Stonewall LGBT center. I know this has become really rambly, and I’m not necessarily looking for answers, just taking care of myself a little by getting some of my thoughts out. Today is also the first day that I haven’t felt like I’m running around every second figuring out how to do what when and in which order. That’s not to say that I’m not busy or don’t have a lot to work on, but suddenly I’m feeling like it’s a lot more manageable. I think it’s partly not being sick at all this week and not working today, but Saturday like I’m supposed to. Also, talking with my geography prof this afternoon made me realize that I’m a lot more capable at that class than I give myself credit for. That’s something I thought about last night after almost getting hit by that car, while I was appreciating the fact that I’m alive: I don’t give myself enough credit. I do a LOT, and every 3 months or so I guess, I realize that I’m REALLY hard on myself. I am doing well, better than might be expected, taking so many obstacles into account. I’m getting stronger, learning how to do more and meet bigger demands. There’s a lot on my plate, it’s true, there’s a lot I need to decide whether I’m gonna invest in or not, there are problems that I want to turn my creativity towards… and I AM DOING IT.
thoughts on time alone September 30, 2009